The week from hell
by toboe108
Summary: After the week from hell, Helena and Lizzie get blasted by Loki and end up in middle earth, and they end up joining the quest destroy the ring. Complete crack, enjoy ;-)


LOTR crack fic

**Chapter 1:****Minding our own god damned business.**

**First person POV:**

Okay the idea of a nice night in with a friend with a Marvel Agents of Shield marathon, lots of food and even more alcohol seemed like a really good idea at the time. In fact it was a great idea for the first 3 hours and 5 episodes, but unfortunately our shitty week was only getting worse. STUPID LIFE.

Okay hold on lets explain the shitty week that way you understand why we reacted the way we did. Top start off with my friend Lizzie (she hates being called Elizabeth, DON'T DO IT UNLESS YOU WANT TO DIE!) and myself had to go into work on a public holiday and had to go into a music festival and had to deal with a bunch of drugged up and drunk people yelling, screaming, carrying on and making a general arse of themselves and although this would normally be funny dealing with them (it's highly amusing to watch as they stumble about and fall into things and generally make a fool of themselves, it's not like they would remember it anyway), they were absolute Fucking arseholes. We worked a 12hour shift, didn't get home till almost midnight then had to get up again five amd a half hours later to go into university to study. I woke up late, ran for the bus only to have the BITCH drive off with me standing outside the door asking to be let in. You know what I'm not even going to mention the rest of it, let's just say that that was the better part of my week and leave it at that shall we. Lizzie had similar problems and doesn't really want to think about it hence the night in with lots of alcohol.

**Lizzies POV:**

Right what Helena (Helen door short) neglected to tell you was that, as a university student, your perpetually skint, which means that no matter how bad they act, you can't walk away from the job, or kill them, (damn). So we struggled on and we survived, hence the alcohol we just wanted to forget, so with an agents of shield marathon, junk food (cough comfort food cough) and enough alcohol to fell twenty dwarrow, we were set, and then he turned up.

He stood at an unimpressive height of 5'ft 3" inch, guy was shorter than me, and with hair tied up in a ponytail ranting about how this time he was going to take over the world and those puny mortals and his ignoramus of a brother who called themselves the Shield wouldn't be able to stop him, we weren't impressed at all, for crying out loud he was stood in front of the TV and had knocked over more than half of our Alcohol. Now normally I wouldn't be as incensed as I was but really the guy had knocked over MY DRINK! I was beyond pissed, especially after the week id had. So I stand up, now I'm not that tall but I have been told on good authority, little brother is shit scared of me, that I can be quite intimidating, so I walk over to this guy, grab him by the collar of his shirt, bring him closer to my face and say to him, in the calmest voice possible, which I have been told is even worse, and say….

**Helena's POV:**

Just getting up to get myself another bottle of Vodka I turn to walk into the kitchen and some random midget appears out of nowhere screaming and ranting about some obvious brother issues. WTF did I just see? Oh crap I think as I see Lizzie stand up and calmly walk over to the guy and grab him by the shirt amd drag him close to her face and basically snarl at him "you have all of 5 seconds to get me another bottle of baileys and then get the hell out our house before I rip your testicles out of your throat".

Ahh Fuck it she's going to get blood all over the lounge room. OH HELL NO! I am so not having my house trashed and spending hours trying to get blood off of the couches. AGAIN! Getting pissed off at the two of them I saunter over and grab them both by their collars and drag them away from each other and snap "if you two arseholes start shit and trash the living room I am going to rip out all of your internal organs out from your throats them watch you eat them".

**Lizzie POV:**

Well Hel's pissed then, "yes dear" I reply as I calmly remove her hand from my clothes, we both turn to the midget sized intruder, and stare at him with 'the look', 'the look' that says explain yourself or die, a very painful, a very bloody, a very humiliating death. It doesn't work, he's either very dumb, or has a death wish, or quite possibly both. Instead he starts to rant, now I turn to Hel with anime tears streaming down my face, the look just screams 'MY ALCOHOL', and Hel returns my look with one that says 'why is there a crazy midget screaming in our house about family issues and taking the world' now for those that don't know us we can hold an entire conversation with only looks, we are that good, so in reply to that look, I send one back saying 'isn't your uncle a nut nurse' and she replies with one that says 'yes but he's on holiday with his fiancée'

'Oh my god he actually got engaged'

'Yes, he has been for a while, wait, didn't I tell you this?'

'No you didn't'

'Oh my bad'

**Helena POV:**

"I WILL NOT BE IGNORED FOOLISH MORTALS" the loud scream just about burst our eardrums as we turn to face the whacko. He looks downright pissed off and points his staff (o.O staff? What the hell right?), at us and screams again "YOU WILL TELL ME WHERE I AM AND WHAT YOU KNOW, NOW KNEEL BEFORE ME YOU SCUM!"

Wait scum. Did this fucker just call us scum and he wants us to what now?

Lizzie just kinds of blinks in shock then looks at him with a 'what the hell is wrong with you' face. "What the hell nutjob, are you crazy, what drugs have you taken and get the hell out of our house"

Watching the furious expression cross the guys face I suddenly look a lot closer at it, he looks very familiar somehow. "HOLY SHIT LIZZIE its Tom Hiddleston!" I cried, the duel looks I received kinda said I was crazy, Lizzie's was 'seriously that isn't him he's taller than that', and his was 'you're so crazy, I will have you under my control'.

Tom Hiddleston snarls at me then says "I am not this Tom Hiddleston, I am Loki, and I am your god, you will kneel before me wench".

Raising an eyebrow at his statement I reply "rightttt I think someone has spent a little too much time in character development, maybe you should have a drink and I will call someone for you, how's that?."

Lizzie just looks at me, looks at her alcohol then sighs and heads of to get him a drink "What's your poison Tom?"

"POISON, YOU DARE TRY TO POISON ME MORTAL!? He screams at Lizzie and grabs his staff to point at her.

Frowning at him I can only think that this guy is way too into his role. Stepping up next to Lizzie facing him I state "would you just stop playing with your god damned staff and calm down before I decide to come over there and break it, see how you like that."

He gives me this furious stare before aiming the staff at the both of us and says coldly "I have had enough of your insolence mortals, know you will see my true power." Before we could do more than open our mouths to retort angrily a bright flash erupts from his staff and I feel my body jerked backwards and towards the floor, before my world turns to black.


End file.
